Saturday, August 13, 2005

From the archives of Parkus Grammaticus

Our friends at Parkus Grammaticus sent us this "Rejected script for Yellow Pages radio spot, c. 1998." Enjoy!

* * * * *

—Honey?
[No reply]

—Honey?
[No reply, but from a different part of the room]

—Honey, can I have some more lard?

[pause]
[pause]

—More what?

—lard

—lard?
—lard

—why?
—I’m hungry.

—The only lard left is the old lard from Halloween.

—That sounds fine.

—I’ll fetch it from the larder but you’ll have to prepare it yourself. I threw out my back.

—Fine.
—Fine.

—Fine. Why’d you throw out your back? I thought it was new.
[pause] —Can I borrow your phone?
—Who are you calling?
—God.

—Woah. [pause] How did you get the number?

—Most people don’t realize that you can find His number in the yellow pages. [pause] Well that’s not entirely true. There was one year when they mistakenly printed his number. This was in 1956. They thought it was the number for G.O.D.—Great Opportunities in Denial. It was a temp agency. They put God’s number in by accident. Only one person called.

—You mean…Father?

—Bingo.
—That’s why he’s omnipotent now?

—Yes.

—Is he God?

—Yes.


FINIS!

Friday, August 12, 2005

News flash!

Ought News brings you this exclusive—Republican senatorial candidate and Westchester County D.A. Jeanine Pirro bungled her candidacy speech Wednesday when, during an attack on Democratic Senator Hillary Clinton, she was speechless for 32 seconds as she tried to locate a missing section of her speech. "Could I have page 10?" she asked plaintively.

What was on this absent page?

Sources tell Ought News that the page was destroyed by a concerned aide, who discovered that Pirro had written these words on it.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

New complicated joke

In the French world, an English traveler can find this beverage—almost.